Hobbitwood
by Talking Hawk
Summary: The hobbits travel to Hollywood, and while the rest of the Fellowship cry like little girls, Pippin becomes obsessed with chocolate. Is that the end of the insanity? Nooooo... (No slash, and revised version now up!)
1. For the Love of Hostess

Hobbitwood – Part One  
  
By Talking Hawk  
  
Author's Note: Like my other comedies, this story gets progressively stupider as it goes along. Don't be fooled by the dramatic beginning.  
  
"C'mon, Frodo, wake up!" Pippin insisted, shaking the other hobbit's shoulder. Frodo grumbled, and covered his head with his blanket. "Leave me be…Gandalf's dead." Merry furrowed his brow. "Well, it's not like he lived an unfulfilled life – or an even short one." The Brandybuck grabbed Frodo's blanket, and tugged it off him, leaving a curled-up hobbit attempting to catch a few more winks before another member of the Fellowship began harassing him with "helpful" cheeriness before dawn.  
  
"Mr. Frodo," Sam said gently. "We have an idea to get your mind off all of this." Frodo reluctantly opened an eye and said, "Hmm?" Pippin stepped forward again. "It's time to play…hobbit boat!" Pippin, Merry, and Sam began cheering, then covered their mouths once they remembered the others were still sleeping. The oldest of the four sighed, exasperated. 'So much for sleep…' he grumbled, sitting himself up.  
  
* * *  
  
The four hobbits had taken out two of the Lothlorien boats, one at each bank. Sam and Frodo sat in one, while Pippin and Merry sat in the other. "Do you remember how to play this, Mr. Frodo?" Sam whispered. "Um," Frodo said, embarrassed, "I forgot." Sam smiled and replied, "We row up next to their boat, use our paddles like swords, and whichever team walks into the other's boat wins the game." Frodo nodded.  
  
"Are you ready?" Merry cried from the other side of the river. Sam and Frodo nodded, and began to row their boat across. After a few moments of bumping into each other's boat, the two boats lined up next to each other. Pippin and Frodo began banging their oars together, as did Sam and Merry. Merry put down a foot into Sam's boat, then Sam retaliated with a kick to his knee. Merry howled in pain, and withdrew his foot. Frodo stepped up onto the edges of the boats, and tried to hit Pippin over the head with his height advantage. Pippin blocked the paddle, then pushed Frodo's stomach back with his paddle. Frodo fell back, but landed on a blanket Sam had knowingly put there.  
  
Pippin stepped into Frodo's boat, and at the same time, Sam tackled Merry in the other boat. "They're gone!" a voice shouted from the distance. All the hobbits looked up and had a facial expression that seemed to say "uh-oh." A rustling sound could be heard at the campsite as the rest of the Fellowship writhed out of their sleeping bags. "Pippin, Merry!" Boromir cried. Aragorn howled, "Frodo, SAM!" The two men ran out of the tent the elves had set up for them, and ran towards the river shouting out.  
  
Elves in their bathroom robes started filing out of the trees above, awakened by the commotion. Boromir and Aragorn then spotted the hobbits. The four of them walked into Frodo and Sam's boat, and leaned against the right side of it, waving and calling out, "We're here! We're okay!" Just as Boromir and Aragorn stopped running and breathed a sigh of relief, the boat tipped over.  
  
"HOBBITS OVERBOARD!" Boromir cried, and began running again. Aragorn followed, and now Legolas and Gimli appeared. Elvish children appeared at one of the banks of the river and began jumping up and down. "Save them, save them!" they yelled excitedly.  
  
There was a great splashing in the water as the four hobbits tried to stay afloat. Normally, three of the four would have been just fine, but the added weight of their soaked clothes made it nearly impossible to stay above the surface. Merry and Pippin tried reaching up for the boat's railing, but it was too high out of the water for their short arms to reach. Frodo's head went under, and in his own fright, he tried to grab the drowning Sam. Boromir and Aragorn were the first to dive into the water, but they too were having a difficult time moving around. The two stopped, thrust off their cloaks and shoes, and continued swimming toward the hobbits. Frodo and Sam's heads hadn't resurfaced. Merry and Pippin grew tired, and couldn't paddle their arms anymore. With a last gasp, they both fell beneath the surface. The men were too far away.  
  
"NO!" Boromir cried, and dove down. Sam was the closest to him, so he grabbed him and carried him to the surface. After he surfaced, he noticed how purple his skin had become. His body was colder than the morning water. "He's…" Boromir sobbed, not able to finish his sentence. The green leaf that held on Sam's cloak suddenly began to glow, and Sam disappeared. Startled, Boromir froze. Aragorn looked beneath the surface, and frightened, resurfaced. "They're gone! All of them!"  
  
* * *  
  
A hole in the sky opened, and four soaked hobbits fell through it, and landed in the street. They coughed and splattered water, and looked up. "Sam?!" Frodo cried, picking him up. Sam didn't move. Frodo carefully watched his face, then tears of sadness began to flow. "Oh, Sam!" he wailed, and put his head on Sam's chest. Just as he did this, a shower of water fell on Frodo's hair, and Sam's chest trembled in coughing and spluttering. Frodo lifted his head in shock, then hugged his revived friend. "I thought you were dead!"  
  
Sam smiled and patted Frodo on the back. "Heh, you think a little water's going to stop me?" "Awwww…" Pippin said, tears twinkling in his eyes. Merry put his arm around his shoulder and handed him a handkerchief. Pippin thankfully accepted it, and blew his nose on it like a foghorn. Frodo and Sam laughed, and Frodo took this opportunity to wipe away his tears and regain his composure. Merry began looking around. "Where are we?"  
  
"Hollywood," Sam said wisely. "How do you know?" Merry inquired. Sam grinned and pointed ahead of him. Merry turned around, and saw the hill that had tall white letters that worded "Hollywood." "Clever," Merry remarked.  
  
"So, we're in Hollywood…" Frodo said. "But where is Hollywood?" "Here, apparently," Pippin quipped. "Maybe we should search out the area," Sam suggested. "If we split up into pairs, we'll cover more ground." After a few moments of arguing, the four agreed, and Frodo and Pippin went down the street in one direction, and Sam and Merry went the other way.  
  
* * *  
  
About an hour later, Pippin stopped walking. Frodo turned around and asked, "What's wrong?" Pippin put his hand on his stomach, and it trembled beneath his hand. "I'm hungry." Frodo looked around, and saw a building that said "Food." "Hollywood has things quite conveniently labeled," Frodo observed then grabbed Pippin's head and walked him into the store. They passed by the cash register, and began examining the shelves of food.  
  
The manager walked in and raised his eyebrow. "Good morning. Are you two from that new Austin Powers' movie?" Frodo looked up at the man and blinked. "Pardon me?" "No, wait," the man said, putting a hand to his chin thoughtfully. "A sequel to The Labyrinth?" Frodo opened his mouth to respond, but the man interrupted him. "A Santa movie, and you're the elves?"  
  
"No, no," Pippin piped up. "We're not elves, we're hobbits. We're not THAT hard to distinguish from each other." "Hobbits, eh?" the manager inquired. "What movie are you in?" "What's a movie?" Pippin asked. He then picked up a package off the shelf that said "Hostess." He held it up and asked, "And what's this? It doesn't look like a little woman."  
  
The man raised his eyebrows. "You two aren't from around here, are you?" "No, we're from the Shire!" Pippin announced. Frodo looked nervous, and snatched Pippin's hand. "I think we should go," he whispered. "Bye!" Pippin said, waving his free hand with the Hostesses. The man pressed a red button. Frodo stopped. "What is that red button for?" he asked nervously.  
  
"Oh, it's just for thieves," the man said calmly. Frodo looked down at the package, then dug into his pockets. He handed the manager a few Shire coins. "There you go! We're not stealing." The man looked at the foreign coins, and gave the two a skeptical look. A police officer walked in. "Book 'em," the manager told him. The officer handcuffed the two, and put them in the car.  
  
* * *  
  
Merry and Sam began walking on the sidewalk, and gazed in wonder at what Hollywood had to offer in their stores. They walked by a store with boxes that had people inside them. Merry whispered to Sam, "Maybe they put people in them when they're mad at them." Sam shrugged and was just about to walk on when a picture of Frodo and Pippin showed up on the box. Sam and Merry ran back, their faces pressed to the glass.  
  
A woman appeared in the box. "Two men were taken into custody in Hollywood early this morning for stealing from a local grocery market. However, there was something unusual about this case."  
  
A homeless man, wearing a torn trench coat, stumbled about behind the two hobbits, carrying something in a small brown bag. They lifted their eyebrows at him, and he hollered at the strange box, "T'ey wewen't dwunk! MwahahaHA!" He put the bag to his lips, took a swig of the drink inside, and disappeared down the street.  
  
"…He kind of looked like Strider," Merry commented, but Sam shook his hand. The Gamgee said, "Honestly? He reminds me of my Uncle Marvin when he has a bit too much to drink…" Merry turned to him and responded, "At least we hobbits HIDE the fact that we're drunk. Humans just, well, FLAUNT it about!" Sam nodded in agreement, and crossed his arms. "Quite undignified creatures, I must say…"  
  
The woman in the box continued, "The two men didn't seem to know where they were, and they greatly resembled what some have said to be Santa's Elves."  
  
"We're not elves!" Merry shouted at the box. The woman ignored him. "The police officer attempted to take off their supposedly plastic pointed ears before questioning, but they didn't come off. Scientists at the Museum of Natural History in Hollywood have their own theory on the men."  
  
A man with glasses appeared on the screen. "Though it is unpopular belief, but some scientists, including I, believe that humans evolved from prehistoric cats, as opposed to apes. I believe that these two men, with their pointed ears, may be the missing link between prehistoric cats, such as the saber-toothed tiger, and modern man. The police department has allowed me, and a team of some of my colleagues, the best paleontologists in the country, to study these two men, and to hopefully prove our theory of human evolution correct." The box showed Frodo and Pippin again, now sitting quietly in a glass box, looking scared and bewildered.  
  
Sam began banging the glass window with his fist. "Let them go, let them go! We ain't CATS!" he shouted. Merry tried to calm him down, but Sam only thrust his fists at the window harder. A crack then appeared where Sam's fist had hit, and it grew and traveled across the entire window. All at once, the glass fell down in a shower inside the shop, and an alarm went off. Merry grabbed Sam's coat sleeve and ran away.  
  
* * *  
  
Boromir was now sobbing into his hands. Legolas put a hand on his shoulder, in hopes of calming him down, but Boromir didn't seem to take notice. The four remaining members of the Fellowship hung their heads, and though Aragorn didn't cry, it was easy to tell that he was the most disappointed in himself. They all remained silent, except for the crying Boromir, as Galadriel approached them.  
  
"The halflings have not met their death," Galadriel spoke, an aura of authority emitting from her. Boromir stopped crying, and lifted up his tear-streaked face from his hands. "T-they're not? Aragorn SAID they were!" The elvish queen glared at the human, who shrugged sheepishly. Boromir continued to whimper, "And Sam…his face…" He burst into tears again. This lasted for the next five minutes.  
  
Her nerves at her wit's end, she bellowed, "STOP IT!" Boromir sniffed, and looked up at her. Her face relaxed, and said gently, "They are not dead. You see, the leaf clips I gave them took them to another dimension."  
  
They all blinked at her in bewilderment. Legolas took his new bow that he had received from the elf witch off his back, and threw it to the ground. He started pounding it with his foot. "Evil, EVIL!!" he shouted. Gimli picked up the unbuttered bow and said, "Well, if you don't want it…"  
  
Legolas punched Gimli in the head, and snatched his bow back. Galadriel rolled her eyes. "Children, children… If they have another near- death experience, then they will automatically return back to this dimension."  
  
Aragorn stood up and stepped forward. "Well, what if the near-death experience ends with them DYING?" he inquired, annoyed.  
  
"It's up to the Gods," Galadriel said pensively, looking up at the sky. The other four also looked up at the sky in the same dreamy way. After a moment, Legolas said, "I'm switching to Christianity."  
  
* * *  
  
"Are you SURE this is it?" Sam asked, having troubled pedaling his pink tricycle up the steep hill. Merry whipped out a handkerchief with black ink on it. He looked up as they got to the top of the hill. "Yep, that's it." "Are we ever going to return these?" Sam asked. "Well, I'm sure the OTHER Santa's elves will make them some more for Christmas," Merry remarked sarcastically, offended by the news report.  
  
* * *  
  
Somehow, the two hobbits managed to dodge all of the added security at the museum, and make it into the back room. "Frodo!" Sam shouted, and ran towards the glass box. "Pippin, are you okay?" Merry asked. Pippin nodded feebly. "Pip, what's all that brown stuff on your face?" Merry asked curiously. Pippin held up the Hostess wrapping. "Merry," Pippin asked, "what does 2,568 calories per serving mean?" Merry shrugged.  
  
Frodo stood up, and put his hands on the glass. Sam put his hands where Frodo's were on the other side. "We're going to get you out of here," Sam said determinedly. "Don't forget me!" Pippin squeaked.  
  
"Security, security!" the man from the news box shouted. A bunch of men with helmets and bulletproof vests ran in with guns. Sam and Merry drew their swords, and one of the armed men cried, "Drop the weapons!"  
  
Sam ran forward after emitting a war cry, with Merry following. The man they were aiming for drew his gun, and pulled the trigger. As if in slow motion, a piece of metal shot out of the elongated weapon, and flew straight towards Sam. Frodo cried, "NO-OHH!" Merry cried, "SA-AAMM!" Pippin cried, "HOOSSTESSS!!" 


	2. My Funny Friends and Me

Hobbitwood – Part Two  
  
By Talking Hawk  
  
The dimensional portal opened again, and the hobbits landed in the middle of the rest of the Fellowship. The two men, elf, and dwarf stared blankly at the scene, not sure what to make of it. Merry and Pippin scrambled to their feet, and Frodo got to his knees and turned Sam's body over. "Sam…" Frodo whispered, "don't die…"  
  
"No, really, I think I'm getting better," Sam said, looking up. Frodo gasped, and lifted up Sam's torso. Frodo touched the red spot on Sam's right shoulder, not understanding. "It's just a wee flesh wound," Sam reassured Frodo. Sam tried to stand up, but then fell back down on his bottom. "Okay, it's a wee flesh wound that really, really hurts." Frodo laughed, and hugged his friend.  
  
Everyone else said, "Awwww…" and brandished their Lothlorien handkerchiefs. Birds flew away from the nearby trees as they all blew like a foghorn at the same time. Galadriel reappeared, and Pippin walked up to her, holding the Hostess wrapping on his hands. He solemnly handed it to her. Galadriel got down on her knees and Pippin asked, "Could you make some more of these? I really liked them."  
  
"I'm sorry," Galadriel said as she put a hand on his shoulder. "We can't have name brands in the story. The rivaling companies would think that we were being paid by Hostess to advertise for them."  
  
Pippin's head drooped, and Galadriel frowned. She then grinned, and said, "You know…I could have some of the chefs cook you some chocolate cakes for your journey." Pippin shrugged, unsatisfied, then Galadriel added, "WITH whipped creme…" Pippin's face lit up and said, "That would be grrrrreat! Oh, oops."  
  
* * *  
  
They all waved goodbye to the elves as they rowed away in their boats. After they were out of sight, they tied the boats together and started playing go-fish. "So," Aragorn said, handing Gimli his two's, "what was it like in the other dimension?"  
  
"It was kind of convenient," Sam admitted. "The people there label everything."  
  
Frodo scowled. "But they don't even know what hobbits are. They're just a bunch of stupid, uneducated people running around. No offense, Aragorn and Boromir."  
  
"Hey," Boromir whined. "I just want to let you know that I won the third grade spelling bee in Gondor."  
  
"It was rigged," Aragorn said, drawing a card. "I was there." Boromir's lower lip trembled. "It was not! Franky Beony really DID get food poisoning!" "Uh-huh, sure," Aragorn said skeptically, "on chips and dip." "You're just jealous, you poo-head," Boromir retaliated.  
  
"Children, children!" Legolas cried. The rest of the Fellowship looked at him suspiciously. "Sorry, it's the age difference."  
  
"So," Sam said, after getting Pippin's five's, "when is this fanfic going to end?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know," Merry said. "Maybe…now!"  
  
They paused momentarily, and crickets could be heard in the distance.  
  
"Nope," Aragorn observed. "I think something big needs to happen before this kid will end it. Merry, how about if you sing, 'I'm Too Sexy' or something? Maybe that'll scare her off." Merry scowled, and said, "Maybe you should show her your newest knitting project." "Hey," Aragorn hissed, "you said you wouldn't mention that!" "Well, it just slipped."  
  
"Well," Sam intervened, "maybe she'll end at a more touchy-feely part. Like all of us tell each other that we're the brothers we never had."  
  
"Awwww…" Boromir said, and blew his nose on his handkerchief again. "Oh, wait, I have a brother…"  
  
"Shut up! You're giving away the next book!" a fish said as it jumped out of the water.  
  
"…That was weird," Boromir observed. A strange look then grew on his face. Aragorn waved his hand in front of Boromir's face. "…Boromir?" "I feel a song coming on…"  
  
Boromir stood up on the boat, and a microphone magically appeared in his hand. "I will sing 'My Funny Friend(s) and Me' by Sting."  
  
"In the quiet time of evening  
  
When the stars assume their patterns  
  
And the day has made its journey  
  
And we wonder what just happened  
  
To the life we knew."  
  
Everyone nodded in agreement.  
  
"Before the world changed  
  
When not a thing I held was true  
  
But you were kind to me  
  
And you reminded me that the  
  
World was not my playground  
  
There were other things that mattered  
  
And our simply needs need protecting  
  
And my illusions all would shatter  
  
But you stayed in my corner  
  
The only word I knew was upside-down  
  
And now the world and we  
  
Can know you carried me  
  
"You see the patterns in the big sky  
  
Those constellations look like you and I  
  
Just like the patterns in the big sky  
  
We could be lost  
  
We could refuse to try  
  
But you made it through in the dark night  
  
What lucky guys they turned out to be  
  
But an unusual blend, of my funny friends and me.  
  
"I'm not as clever as I thought I was  
  
I'm not the boy I used to be because  
  
You showed me something different  
  
You showed me something pure  
  
I always seemed so certain  
  
But I really was never sure  
  
But you stayed  
  
And you called my name  
  
Where others would have walked out  
  
On a lousy game."  
  
"I probably should," Gimli said, throwing down his losing set of cards. Everyone else scowled at him.  
  
"But look who made it through  
  
But my funny friends and me."  
  
The hobbits burst into tears as Boromir continued singing. The steward of Gondor's son gave the signal, and they all began singing together. Legolas jabbed Gimli with his elbow, and Gimli also reluctantly began singing.  
  
"See the patterns in the big sky  
  
Those constellations look like you and I…  
  
We'll be together till the end is nigh  
  
We don't know the answer or the reason why  
  
We'll stick together till that day we die  
  
"And if I had to do this all a second time  
  
I wouldn't complain or make a fuss."  
  
"Sure you wouldn't," Gimli laughed, and Legolas punched him in the arm.  
  
"What the angels send  
  
Is that unlikely blend, these eight friends,  
  
That's us."  
  
Everyone burst into tears, including Gimli, and gave each other a big group hug. "We'll stick together until that day we die!" they all cried out simultaneously.  
  
The next day…  
  
Aragorn lifts Boromir's body into the boats, putting the shield of Gondor and his sword on his chest. He weeps a little, wipes his eyes and says, "You know, *sniff* we didn't really do what Boromir's song said…" "Well," Gimli said, "he's the one who blew it – literally." Legolas punched Gimli in the face, toppling him into the river, and eventually over the waterfall.  
  
"What did you go and do that fer?" Aragorn asked. "That's two down!" "Make that three," Legolas said, and picked Aragorn up wrestling style, and threw him over the waterfall.  
  
Another Legolas came out of the woods, and turned to the other. "Hey, you're me!" the second one cried. "No," the first said in a deep voice. "I am your father!"  
  
"Nooo… Wait a minute. My father doesn't look like me!" the second Legolas cried. "Sure he doesn't," the first said, picking up the other Legolas and throwing him over the waterfall. "Three down. Master Sarumon will be very pleased," he said as he walked off.  
  
* * *  
  
"How did you know this ledge would be here, Gimli?" Aragorn asked. "Well, I said an advanced showing of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring and I realized that they never showed Sean Bean's body going the ENTIRE waterfall. So, therefore, he probably jumped onto a ledge while the boat goes careening down the waterfall so the Lord of the Rings fanatics THINK he goes down the waterfall."  
  
Another man jumped onto the ledge. It was none other than Boromir with three arrows sticking out of his chest! "Hey guys, how's it going?"  
  
"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" the real Legolas asked.  
  
"Oh, no, no," Boromir said, shaking his finger. "You haven't been reading the script, have you?" Legolas shook his head. "Well, Peter Jackson didn't want to hire ANOTHER actor for Faramir, so I get to come back as both Boromir and Faramir. Isn't that great?"  
  
Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn looked at each other, and pushed Boromir over the waterfall. Legolas called down, "Really! You'll thank us for this. I hear that Heaven's really nice this time of year!" "Yooouuu'lllll neeeevvveerrr killlll meeee offfff!!!" Boromir cried as he disappeared in the foam.  
  
"Do you think he's dead?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Yes, he is definitely dead this time," Aragorn said.  
  
"No, I'm not!" Boromir shouted from below. "See you guys in the Two Towers, okay?" 


End file.
